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As grandmothers, we mean well. Every piece of advice, every suggestion, and every expectation often comes from a place of love. We want our grandchildren to be happy, successful, and well-rounded individuals. But sometimes, without even realizing it, we place unnecessary pressure on them—pressure that can weigh heavy on their young shoulders.
1. The Burden of High Expectations
Many of us grew up in different times, where discipline and achievement were emphasized in a way that shaped our outlook on life. It’s natural to want our grandchildren to strive for excellence, but there’s a fine line between encouragement and pressure. When we constantly push for better grades, more achievements, or a specific career path, we risk making our grandkids feel like they are never good enough. Instead, they need our reassurance that they are loved and valued no matter what.
One way to ensure we’re not unknowingly placing this pressure is by focusing on their effort rather than the outcome. Instead of saying, “Why didn’t you get an A on that test?” we can ask, “Did you feel proud of your work?” This shift in language encourages them to do their best without the burden of perfection. It’s also essential to acknowledge their passions, even if they don’t align with our expectations. A child who loves art but struggles in math should know that their talents are just as valuable as another child’s academic success.
2. Comparing Them to Others
“Oh, your cousin is already reading chapter books, why aren’t you?” or “When I was your age, I was already helping in the kitchen.” We may not mean harm, but comparisons can chip away at a child’s confidence. Each grandchild is unique, with their own strengths and timeline for growth. Rather than comparing, let’s celebrate their individual progress and abilities.
Comparisons can also make children feel like they must constantly prove their worth. If they believe our love or approval is based on how they measure up to others, they may develop anxiety or resentment. Instead of comparing, we can say things like, “I love watching you learn new things,” or “I’m so proud of how hard you’re trying.” These affirmations help them feel seen and valued for who they are.
3. The Expectation to Follow Family Traditions
We hold dear our traditions, whether it’s continuing a family business, practicing certain religious customs, or following specific cultural expectations. While traditions are beautiful, forcing them onto grandchildren who may have different interests or beliefs can cause strain. Encouraging them to appreciate our traditions is wonderful, but we must also give them the freedom to forge their own path.
It’s important to remember that times change, and so do perspectives. What was essential to us may not hold the same significance for them, and that’s okay. Instead of insisting that they must follow in our footsteps, we can invite them to participate while also respecting their choices. If a grandchild shows interest in a different career than what we expected, supporting their dreams rather than pressuring them to conform will strengthen our relationship rather than cause distance.
4. Pressuring Them to Spend More Time With Us
We adore our grandkids, and nothing makes us happier than spending time with them. But sometimes, we unintentionally guilt them into visits or phone calls. “You never call your grandma anymore,” or “I guess you’re too busy for your old grandma.” While these words may come from a place of longing, they can make grandchildren feel guilty rather than genuinely excited to visit or talk to us. Let’s create an environment where they feel welcome, not obligated.
Instead of making them feel bad about not calling, we can express how much we miss them in a positive way: “I always love hearing from you! Let’s plan a time to catch up soon.” If we make our time together enjoyable and stress-free, they will naturally want to reach out more often. The more we foster a relationship built on warmth and understanding, the more they will value the time spent with us.
5. Forcing Interests Upon Them
Whether it’s pushing them into piano lessons because we always wished we had learned, or encouraging them to love gardening just because we do, we sometimes expect our grandkids to share our passions. While it’s wonderful to introduce them to our hobbies, they should never feel pressured to adopt them. Instead, we can support their interests, even if they’re different from ours.
Children are naturally curious, and they may enjoy trying new activities. However, if we force them into something they have no interest in, it may create resentment. Instead of saying, “You should really learn to play the piano,” we can offer, “Would you like to try a few lessons and see if you enjoy it?” Giving them choices makes them feel respected and allows them to explore their own interests without pressure.
6. The Expectation of Perfection in Behavior
We might find ourselves saying, “A lady always sits properly,” or “Boys shouldn’t cry.” But children need room to be themselves, to explore emotions, and to make mistakes without feeling like they are constantly under scrutiny. Let’s remind them that it’s okay to be imperfect and that our love isn’t conditional on their behavior.
Rather than expecting them to always behave a certain way, we can focus on teaching them kindness, respect, and emotional intelligence. If a grandchild is struggling with their emotions, instead of saying, “Stop crying,” we can say, “It’s okay to feel upset. I’m here to listen.” This approach helps them feel safe expressing their emotions rather than suppressing them.
7. The Pressure to Make Us Proud
One of the most common pressures grandchildren feel is the need to make us proud. While it’s beautiful to express our pride in them, it becomes a burden when they feel they must constantly achieve in order to earn that pride. Some grandchildren may even hide their struggles or failures from us, fearing disappointment.
We can alleviate this pressure by making sure they know our pride is not conditional on their achievements. Instead of saying, “I’ll be so proud if you win that competition,” we can say, “I’m already so proud of you for trying something new.” This reassures them that our love and support are unwavering.
8. Letting Go of the Pressure
The best gift we can give our grandchildren is a relationship free from pressure and full of unconditional love. Let’s encourage them without pushing, guide them without controlling, and love them without condition. By doing so, we create a space where they can grow into their best selves—not who we expect them to be, but who they truly are.
At the end of the day, our role as grandmothers is not to mold our grandchildren into our vision of success but to support them as they discover their own path. When we ease the pressure and embrace them for who they are, we build relationships filled with trust, joy, and lifelong love. That is what truly matters.
